ABOUT MY JOURNEY
I was 13 years old, with 13-year-old dreams and wants. I had just yesterday put away my dolls and each one of them had a great life. They got married had children lived in houses and they were all neighbors that's the life my dolls lead. As I put each one that I had personally named away, the Barbie and Ken who always lived the good life with each other. They were all put in the boxes and away they went along with my collection for my children's children.
My Husband at the time was 19 years old I was 13 years old when I first met the love of my life. He was Ken and I was Barbie and the life we were going to lead was incredible. I loved the fact he was a man and wanted to always protect me, I was just a child and he knew better.
That is when he went places that were mine. My private places that he said were his and he told me this was good, and it was supposed to be good for both of us. Is that what I was to feel? Is this what happens when you grow up? Nothing ever again was mine just mine. It was over the deed was done, I wondered if I was even there? My body as well as my thoughts were no longer mine but his.
How can you tell anyone Yesterday I loved him and today my love was the blood that was spilled last night. I must have been there? I must have said something to make him think it was ok, I do know what was done, he called it love, so I called it love. This is what love is. We married and I was always good at decorating I had a flair for colors and what would blend and what was the opposing color, so I went with it. I went to college for interior decorating. I got my first customer, and, in a blink, I became good I mean good. From me it became we, from we, we became a team. Moving ladders making it work. I thought everything I did was not good enough until he saw it and moved the pillow or chair. Then he did it. It was blue no, its green ok its green. I did this and we did it . Even thou I did all the work; I was always just his helper. It came out of my brain, but he owned it. He owned it. He owned my brain. When did that happen? I guess I was never good enough. I could not love him enough. I could not make love to him right. I could not ever be enough.
When going out to parties or events I got dressed, and he had me on his arm and paraded me as if we were couple of the year. I was good enough till we came home. Then everything I said or did that he thought was wrong was repeated to me over and over. There was no longer Diane, where did she go?
My husband when he thought I didn't love him enough, would use my Fathers suicide to trigger my fears and threaten me with that. without laying a hand on me just using works to scare me into the state of mind he wanted me in. Head games all the time and he always knew what was right.
One of many times, he hung a dummy from our attic for me to come home to find. My heart dropped; I fell to my knees. No blood in my veins and no thoughts in my head, my brain went to another place , could not accept what was happening. " My dad now my husband? Was I that bad? Was I such a thoughtless rotten person? What was wrong with me. When I found out it was a joke. Was I Mad? " No, I hung on to him as if my life depended on it. I guess it did at the time. So, more time went on.
I found the courage to leave him, After spending over 32 years with him. I am getting better. Finding the courage to save myself lead me to be the founder of Courage. May you all who need courage remember we are one tap or call away. We are here and have been there. Find the courage this is not a dress rehearsal this is your one life to be you.
Love you all
Come join our ship called Courage.
- Diane, The Queen of Courage